. Oct 17
Why can't anything be easy? If you remember, I finally got my Dr to agree to write a referral letter to Dr. H...then I waited a few days and faxed over my own letter explaining why I wanted the surgery, and called Dr. L's office just to make sure they'd sent over the referral letter. Well, they hadn't, but promised me they would by the end of the week. So, I waited patiently for the week to pass, and waited and waited and waited some more, for it to finally be Monday and I could call Diana at Dr. H's office. Well, Monday came and it flew by in a blur...we were so freakin' busy at work I barely had time to pee...so needless to say I didn't have a chance to call. No biggie I thought, I'll just call tomorrrow, (Tuesday), right? Yeah right, when I called bright and early yesterday morning I reached a recorded announcement saying Diana was away from the office until Nov 6!!!! I couldn't believe it, so I posted an email, and Jo (bless you) told me that Monday, yes MONDAY had been her last day until Nov 6...AARRGGH!!!!
I guess it's not the end of the world, I mean I've waited this long, a few more weeks won't kill me. It's just so disappointing, and the more time that passes the closer winter will be and I wasn't looking forward to going all that way in the snow...but I will, oh yes indeedy I will!!
In other news, I had a terrible dream, no a nightmare about James last night. It was horrible, and even now I can't let go of it. Intellectually I know it's probably just my mind going crazy over everything that's going/gone on with him but it was so bad, worse than anything I have ever experienced before. I wish I had someone to talk to about it, some dream expert or something.
I'm going to the dentist this morning. I have neglected my teeth for so long it's embarrassing, really and now that I finally went last week I have to have a lot of work done. What I really wanted was for them to pull them all out and give me dentures, but they convinced me that my bottom teeth are good enough to save and only my top ones will be replaced, so that's okay. It's still going to be a whole heck of a lot of pain, but I have to do it. It's funny you know, like I said I'd been neglecting them for years, and I do mean YEARS, and only the thought of this WLS got me in the chair. I knew that after my surgery I'm going to have to chew my food really well, and I was afraid I couldn't with the condition my teeth were in. Don't you think it's ironic that just as I'll have a full mouth of good teeth I'll be dining on pureed foods for weeks!!! Oct 5
I know, I know it's been a long time since I updated, but since hardly anyone reads anyway I'm guessing it didn't matter much!
I suppose that since this is supposed to be a weight loss journal I'll start with what's happening there first. I've kind of gone back on the Xen, not exactly religiously, but did fill my prescription and at least I have some if I want to take them. I've regained a bit, not surprisingly, probably about 5 pounds, and I'm hoping to not gain back more than that. The sad thing is that while the Xenical works, I just don't think I see it as a long term solution anymore. No matter how much I can lose with it, I'm still going to be me, and I'm still going to be capable of eating way too much than what's good for me. Unless I change myself. I've made up my mind that WLS is in my future. I had a chance to go to the local "Big Losers" meeting here on Monday and what a breath of fresh air that was! It was the FIRST social gathering I think I've EVER been to where I didn't feel out of place, or uncomfortable because of my weight. There are members there at every stage of the journey, pre-decision, pre-consult, pre-op, post-consult, post-op, post-panni, post-tt, pre-revision, you name it, and everyone there was so warm and welcoming!! The afternoon before the meeting, I went to Dr. L, and got my referral for Dr. H. I was so scared going in there I thought I was going to pass out, or at the least throw up! But, it was a piece of cake, he agreed without batting an eye. Now all I have to do is hope, (and check!)that his office staff faxed it over promptly and I'll be in business!
James is still choosing to live away from home. He's still at the shelter waiting for placement. I am still no closer to understanding how his mind works than I ever was, but I guess it doesn't really matter, since this is what he's going to do anyway. At least he keeps in touch every couple of days, which is more than he was doing over the summer.
The bank thing was a complete nightmare, but I've opened up an account somewhere else and I don't anticipate any problems....
Wayne's gone out of town this weekend, hunting, or more accurately "hunting prevention". That is to say, he's basically along to ensure his buddy doesn't kill anything! I wasn't sure he was going to go actually, he was really looking forward to it, and then all of a sudden he didn't want to go anymore. He said he just didn't want to be away from home right now. I'm not sure what he meant by that, but in any case he's gone now!
It's Thanksgiving weekend, and the kids and I will be going to my mom and dad's on Sunday, then on Monday I have to work and Wayne's going to cook our own turkey dinner. Obviously this is not going to be a good dieting weekend!! Sept 24
Can you believe Will won??!! He was obviously the more popular choice, but he's still a doctor....albeit a very entertaining one!!! I love these reality shows, but it's always such a letdown when they're over, I haven't heard if there's going to be a BB3, but if there is you can bet I'll be watching!
Let's just say that my bank visit didn't go well and leave it at that. Hopefully I'll finally get access to my paycheque today, and if not...well, I don't even want to think about the potentially disasterous consequences.
Work just called, no doubt to ask me to come in early, I didn't answer the phone...I just can't do it today, it's going to be tricky enough getting there for my regular shift.
James came over for supper on Saturday, and by the time we dropped him back off at the shelter I felt like screaming. He's openly smoking, and obviously doesn't care what we think about it. When he went to light up outside, I told him that if he was going to smoke he'd have to do it outside of my line of vision and to take himself for a walk around the block or something, and that this would be the rule until he was 18. Then what does he do on the ride back, but light one up...right in front of us! He's developed this "I'm so cool" attitude, and I can't stand it. When Wayne and I were talking about James' visit afterward, I told him that I felt like I'd just spent the evening with someone I'd never met before and didn't like very much. Wayne was more diplomatic, he says though he doesn't agree with his behaviour, he understands it's a phase he's going through, and we have to somehow accept that he's not living at home and therefore has set up new patterns for himself, and since he'd not interested in conforming that this is how he is,for now anyways. It even bugs me that Wayne has somehow become the voice of reason here, but he did manage to make me feel a bit better about the situation.
Sept 20
I had to take the day off work today to deal with some problems I'm having with the bank. Does anyone else hate their bank as much as I do?? As soon as it opens I'm on my way there, and I'm going to end up having to be a complete bitch, I just know it, and even then I'm not 100% sure I'm going to be successful. I HATE this!!!!
I have to get some more Xenical today. I've been using the fact that I'm out as an excuse to eat anything I want for the last little while and it's not good, not good at all. I know I've gained back some weight already and since I really want to continue losing, I'd better smarten up. Of course, if I don't get things straightened out with the bank I won't be buying anything, but I can't let myself think that way. I am pissed.
I also have to pay some bills today, but again, that all depends on how it goes at the bank. Can you tell I'm obsessing over this?
Tonight's the final BB2. Will or Nicole? I really wanted Bunky to win, and for me it's just not been the same since his eviction. I frankly didn't care that much for Monica, and while I think Will is hilarious I just don't want to see a doctor win the money, and Nicole's just a bitch, but if I were voting, I guess she'd be it.
Sept 15
I've been laying low this week with an abscessed tooth, it hurts, but it's nothing compared to the pain the world is feeling after the devastating attacks on America. There are no words....The images are burned into my mind, and I'm only a bystander-observing in horror and sorrow from another country, I just can't imagine how people recover from something like this...
This tooth of mine prevented me from attending a meeting of the local "Losers" that I had been invited to and desperately wanted to go to on Monday. Then the events of the week stranded my Doctor in Vancouver, and so I was unable to get my referral to Dr. H from him on Tuesday as I had planned. I've rescheduled my appointment for next Thursday, but I just want to get going on this, and I'm feeling very frustrated. I'm still doing my research on WLS, and have decided that the VGB is what I want. I've read as much information as I can find, and have a binder of pages I've printed off. Yes there are risks, but being this overweight is also a risk. I haven't told anyone about my decision except for my best friend at work, and Robbin, both of whom are very supportive. When I was doing my research one of my stumbling blocks, if you could call it that was the fact that the doctor I've selected is about 6 hours away from here, and it's most likely that I'd have to go down there in the winter sometimes. I am terrified of driving on the highway in the winter, and asked Wayne that IF I had to go out of town during the winter would he drive me? He wanted to know, (understandably) where I'd be going, but I didn't tell him, I just said it would be a few hours away and I'd have to go every once in awhile. He said he would. I know he's wondering what the hell it is I'm talking about, since I told him it wouldn't be for work, and it's not illegal (!!!), but I'm just not ready to discuss it with him yet, when I get my referral I will. I don't know why I'm hesitating, I know he'll be totally supportive, but I also know he'll be worried.
I haven't been taking the X lately, I ran out, and didn't refill my prescription. When I get my referral I will pick up some more and get back on the program. It would be nice to lose some more weight before I see Dr H, and probably make my approval a little more probable. Sept 7
Okay, I completely forgot that today is supposed to be weigh in day...oops. It's been the week from hell at work, and it's not over yet. I still work the weekend, and actually won't have a day off now until next Saturday!
I've been doing a ton of research on WLS and have joined 2 email groups. I'll write more about it when I have some time, but I am very excited about all I've read so far, and the people I've met online are wonderful, so warm and supportive...I think I may be on to something here!!
Sept 3
It seems that James' bus to Calgary was delayed a week...yeah right, he most likely had no plans of ever going. Not that that's a bad thing, just that I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I'm exhausted from worrying about him, I wish he'd get picked up by the police and taken into custody-then at least I could have some kind of peace.
Besides all of that, my diet has gone to hell. I don't even want to talk about it, what's the point? I wish I could just get back into the mind set I had at the start of this year and continue losing. I wish I could, but I'm beginning to doubt the possibility of that happening. I've been looking into some other options for weight loss, and have been doing research online. I'll share some of it here another time. I'm just so sick of being fat, sick of the slow process of losing-it takes so much thought for so little results. My whole life seems to be about food, planning, consuming, tracking...I've about had enough, I just want to be thin-is that too much to ask? Sept 1
**Language Alert**
These last few days are the type that if they don't kill me, I'm going to be fucking Superwoman I'll be so much stronger.
I know I hadn't written about it in here, but James had been gone again since the Wednesday before last, so 11 days ago. I heard various tidbits of information about his whereabouts and what he was doing from friends of Jenn and Michael. For example: he was supposedly living in a tent in some girl's backyard, he had supposedly been hired by Burger King but was fired after not showing up for his first 4 shifts, and was spotted smoking a joint outside the mall with a bunch of his "friends", all of whom were wearing neither shirts nor shoes. Now, he shows up here last night full of attitude and says he's moving to Calgary with some of these delightful new friends; that one of them has a wealthy father who rented an apartment for his daughter and James and this other kid are going to live with her to "help her out with expenses." For Christ's sake, who does he think he's talking to? How on earth can he expect me to fall for such bullshit?? But, again, what can I do to stop him? How can I prevent him from totally fucking up his life? His mind is made up, and these are lessons he's going to have to learn on his own if he's bound and determined to live this way, and nothing, absolutely nothing I can say or do will make any difference. Wayne was amazing, he really handled the situation well, much better than I did. He made sure that James had his cell phone number, my cell number and our home and work numbers written down and in his wallet, and told him all he had to do was call, any time day or night, and if he was in trouble he'd come and get him from where ever he was. That's more than I could offer at the time.
Today I spent running around getting groceries. It's such a long drawn out process. First I had to go to Superstore for batteries and laundry supplies, then out to IGA in Spruce Grove for the majority of stuff, then to Safeway for toilet paper and a prescription, then to the Chinese market for veggies and sauces, back to IGA (this time in the city) for bread, to Save On for frozen dinners, and then finally home. Getting groceries should not be so difficult!! I wonder if everyone goes through similar experiences?
Tonight we're going to watch a video and have pizza. Yes pizza, I feel like it, and I'm going to have it. Basically it's been a diet write off kind of day, and I just don't feel like worrying about it.
I even refused OT today and yesterday, so you know I'm mentally drained. Aug 30
I need to get groceries, thank god tomorrow is the scheduled day. It's getting harder and harder to find something for me to prepare for a meal or take for lunch. With the exception of one lonely banana, there's no fruit at all left in the house, and no fresh veggies at all. This is a dieting crisis!!
I can see where I'm going wrong with my food log. The problem is I'm writing it down after I consume the food. What I should be doing is entering it the day before, when I'm planning out my day's food intake. That's what I was doing earlier in the year, but on paper, and I was losing weight like crazy. There are so many pieces to this puzzle of weigh loss, and if they don't all fit together just so...well, the weight just doesn't seem to come off. At least that's the way it works for me.
I just called the pool to see what time aquafit was on today and it's only scheduled from 11:30-12:30, so that's out. There's something called aquajog from 9:00-10:00, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. I don't even know what that is, has anyone ever heard of it?
Aug 29
By the time I went home yesterday all I wanted to do was go to bed, BUT I made myself stay up. I can't use sleep like I use(d) food, as a means of stuffing my feelings down. I need to deal with my emotions, not suppress them. So, instead of sleeping, I made a nice supper, did a load of laundry, went for a nice walk with Wayne and Pepper, and watched Big Brother. Unfortunately I think Bunky's on his way out, the show won't be the same once he's gone!! Maybe I'm wrong, but I think they'll vote to keep Will, the evil doctor! I can't believe I got so addicted to this show. I've got sucked into watching a LOT of these reality shows: Survivor (both), BB, Temptation Island, Fear Factor, The Mole...are there any more? I can't remember, but that's enough don't you think? Aug 28
Again it's been awhile since I've been here. BUT I did add a food and exercise page...isn't that exciting?
I'm tired and crabby today. I was feeling so irritable last night that I went to bed at 8:30 rather than have to talk to anyone. I don't know why I get like that sometimes. I actually felt sorry for Wayne, he just got back from his weekend away and was all chatty and full of stories about his adventure, and I just couldn't have cared less. Aug 24
I'm sorry it's been so long since my last entry, but I've tried-really I have!! Twice in fact, and both times Tripod took my words and ran, never to be seen again...I HATE it when that happens!!!
I went back to work with a bang this week, working every day from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. and even until 10:00 one day...I'm beat to say the least! One should try to ease back into work, not throw themself into it headfirst!!! Adding to my week has been the fact that James has been gone since Wednesday, no idea where, no clue when he'll be back. I thought we were done with that shit. I am at a complete loss what to do with him, any suggestions??
Wayne went away this weekend with his buddy/partner for a weekend of riding their quads and fishing. I think he was shocked that I didn't put up a fuss about him going as I have in previous years...truth is it's going to be nice having a few days to myself, and I think it will be good for us. I just might do the same thing myself, not the camping or quad thing, but maybe a 4 day weekend to Vegas or something....sounds like a plan don'tcha think?
I didn't weigh this week. I actually forgot it was weigh in day until I got to work, but I'm not sure if I would have done it anyway. I didn't have the best week, and I'm still very bloated and post-ms'y. I kind of thought it might be better to wait. I'm just not the kind of person who can see discouraging results and get all fired up and work to make things better. I tend to get bent out of shape and wallow, which would only make things worse. Not the best way to be, obviously, but I know it's how I react, so maybe it's better that I avoided it altogether. Aug 19
I go back to work tomorrow, those 3 weeks sure did go by fast! In a way it'll be nice to get back into a routine, but I wish wish wish I could stay home forever!!
It was deliciously cool out today, at times I actually found it a bit chilly inside the house, but I am definitely NOT complaining!! Cooked the turkey in the oven, and the best thing is, it smelled as good as it tasted.
Time to think about what to take for breakfast, lunch, and supper tomorrow as I'll be there from 8:00 am - 9:00 pm, nothing like easing back into it eh??!! Aug 18
The weather forecast promised a break from this heat, but today is as hot as ever!! I'm counting on it being cooler tomorrow as I'm planning on cooking a turkey, and even though I could do it on the bbq I was hoping it wouldn't be necessary. We shall see I guess!!!
I was wondering why they got rid of all the drive in movie theatres here in Edmonton. When I was a teen they were a great place to go on a warm summer night, not because it was the best place to watch a movie, but just because it was a blast! Up til about 4 years ago we still had one, and it was always packed, but it's gone now. Someone should open one up again, I'll bet it would do really good. God, don't I sound like an old woman, reminiscing about the good old days??!!
I put some Crystal Lite into my water bottle this afternoon just for a change, but I think I prefer plain water better. Somehow this just tastes sweet and sticky instead of cold and refreshing.
Aug 17
After much deliberation I finally decided to bite the bullet and weigh in this morning. It turns out that I weighed in the same, no loss no gain. I'm still wondering if it's possible I'm going to get away without a gain from vacation, and considering that it's my TOM I'm pretty damm happy to have stayed the same!!
I have NO idea what to make for supper tonight. It's just too friggin' hot out to cook, even bbq'ing seems like too much effort. Maybe I'll get one of those chickens from Save On and make a big salad or something, that doesn't sound bad.
I'll tell you how hot it is. There's an outdoor swimming pool where I live that I can see right from my back yard. I've only used it once, and that was shortly after I moved here 2 years ago. I was too self conscious to go at all last year and this year it's been closed for repairs. Every day this week I've looked out my patio door and wished it were open, how great it would be to go in the water and cool off...I definitely would have gone. How ironic that the year I would have actually have enjoyed it, it's not open. I don't know why I feel okay about going, it's certainly not like I'm still not grossly overweight, but I just FEEL better about myself, and even though I weigh 263 lbs, it's better than weighing the 314 lbs I was at just months ago. Next year when I've lost even more weight that pool had better be open!!!!!!!!!
Aug 16
It's broiling hot outside again, it's been this way for days now and there's no end in sight-I do NOT cope well in the heat at all. Thank God for the a/c up in the loft where our bedroom is, and thanks to my hubby for getting and installing it so I wouldn't have to suffer!!! Truth be told I think his motives were more than a little selfish, he most likely didn't want to listen to me bitch about how it's too hot to sleep..., but whatever the case, it's wonderful!!!
I drank 3.5 litres of water yesterday, and today I'm already working on finishing 3, so I should be able to get in at least another 1.5 before 6:00. Hopefully stopping the non-stop guzzling by that time will prevent all those trips to the bathroom during the night, 7 times is a bit much don't you think????
We have to get groceries this evening, I can't wait to get some more fresh fruit and veggies in the house. If it's here I'm more than happy to eat it. In fact fruit is one of the few things that I actually like eating, and am not just shoveling in my face out of habit like most other foods. Fruit, and yogurt. My favourite kind is the fat free banana cream pie flavour made by Astro. It is totally delicious. I can't get enough of it! This week I've been eating Oat Bran cooked cereal for breakfast, and it's quite good-especially with some blueberries on top, the added bonus is it's loaded with fibre! Another thing I've discovered lately is a frozen dinner entree by Pastaria, it's called Penne Florentine, and is penne pasta with spinach, tomatoes, and cheese in a pesto based sauce. It is yummy. My other favourite frozen dinner type things are the Pastaria Spaghetti Bolognese, and the Lean Cuisine Chicken with Peanut Sauce, and Sesame Chicken. Those 4 dinners along with a salad usually make up my take to work suppers.
What kind of things are you eating? Any suggestions on healthy foods you love, or experiences you'd rather forget? Aug 15
I was looking forward (?) to weighing in this Friday, to see if my vacation damage would show up, or if I was going to get lucky...and wouldn't you know it I got my period. I may still weigh in, but it won't be very accurate, this sucks!!
I was feeling kind of bored today, and didn't really know why. I'm keeping fairly busy cleaning up and finishing the laundry, and I don't really feel like going anywhere, but still I was feeling bored. Then I realized why. I wasn't eating every few minutes like I've been doing recently! Isn't that awful? I've been eating so much, and so often that when I stop I feel like something's missing. I think I can safely say that I'm sick of eating with abandon. It's just stupid that I was doing it in the first place. Here I am, having supposedly committed to losing weight and getting healthy, and put out all that money for the Xen, and I was stuffing my face with anything and everything in sight....disgusting. That behaviour is over, I am done, it's back to living the lifestyle for the life I want to have!!
Aug 14
Well, I didn't get as much done yesterday as I should have, so I have most of the same things staring me in the face again today. Why do I do this to myself?
Dinner last night was...interesting. The food was okay, in fact for the most part I think it was pretty good, and the prices are reasonable, but let me rant a bit about the service. I've been a waitress, in fact I waitressed for many years in many different places and I was good at it, I just genuinely liked it, and I still miss it. This guy last night was either having a really "off" night, or he just sucks. He was condescending, and forgetful, basically told us we were taking too long to order, and when my dad asked him to repeat the fish special he actually sighed before replying. Then while he was pouring a beer into a mug for some patrons at the next table over (without taking the mug off the tray which was holding other drinks), the beer foamed over causing the contents of the mug to spill over onto the customer's neck and back. This guy never even stopped pouring!! When the cold beer hit her neck, the woman jumped up, jostled the waiter's elbow and the entire tray went crashing to the ceramic tile floor. The guy didn't even apologise, he just walked away back to the bar to get new drinks. Meanwhile, there's this big mess on the floor and you could see it was only a matter of time before someone stepped into it and went flying! Finally, a busperson came out with some wet floor signs and a mop and cleaned it all up. It wasn't even so much the accident, because those things can happen to anyone, but the guy's obvious lack of concern was unreal, his whole attitude towards the people he was supposedly serving was one of complete disdain, and it's not even like he was any good at what he was doing! That kind of thing just pisses me off, I don't care what kind of job it is you're doing, you should just try to do it at the best of your ability, and take some pride in it-especially is any kind of service industry where your livliehood depends on it. Ah, okay, I'll come down off my soapbox now!
It's time for me to get moving, I would really like to accomplish some of the tasks I have to do today, so I'm off and running...have a great day!! Aug 13
Today is absolutely beautiful out. If I could I'd like to take off and spend the day at a lake somewhere, but alas I have committments here at home...boo to that! Fun stuff like laundry and bill paying....can I handle the excitement I wonder?!! Another one of the things I have to get back on track is my budget. I had a good system worked out, with a ledger book and everything and even though it was a pain in the ass to keep updated, it sure made my financial life a lot easier and under control. I miss the feeling of being organized. Same thing with my eating. I do much better when I plan my meals the day or even morning before. Obviously leaving things to chance or just winging it is not the way to go for me!! I need the structure of having a plan set out in advance. Two things for me to work on getting back in order to help me be successful, not only with losing this weight, but in life in general.
Tonight we're going out for supper with my mom and dad to celebrate Jenn's birthday. We're going to a new place Dante's Bistro so I have no idea what's on the menu, or what I'm going to have. For now though I'm almost finished my cup of tea and am going to go have a bowl of oat bran with cinnamon and a few fresh blueberries. Afterwards, Pepper and I are going for a walk, and then I'll get busy with the rest of my day! Aug 12
I'm back! Did you miss me? Mostly we had a nice time. The weather was fairly rainy the first few days, and the days we spent at the ocean were pretty awful, but eventually it cleared up and we had nice weather for the remainder of our trip. I don't think Michael had a very good time, he seemed to be quite bored for the most part, but I suppose that's mainly due to his being 14 and stuck on vacation with only his parents for company!!
I ate atrociously the entire time. You name it, I ate it. Oddly when I weighed myself yesterday morning I hadn't gained, but I'm sure it'll show up sooner or later. I continued taking the Xen with every meal, even though I think it was asking an awful lot of that little pill (!!), and we did a LOT of walking....which reminds me, I MADE IT TO THE FALLS!!!! It was quite the hike, longer than I'd expected, and even though Wayne thought we should just forget it and turn around, I was not going to give up. I'm kind of proud of myself for making it all the way up-even if it almost killed me!!!
I saw James yesterday, he's looking pretty rough. He got involved in some kind of scrap while we were gone and is sporting a black eye, along with a few cuts and scrapes. He looks like he hasn't slept in days, and in fact I don't think he has. I kept telling myself he doesn't HAVE to live that way, no one if FORCING him to live like that, and it's HIS own choice...but oh my god it's soooo hard to see him like that. I kind of think he may be giving his actions some second thoughts, and I wouldn't be surprised if he asks to come home soon. I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I get from talking to him.
Today is Jenn's 18th birthday!! I am in shock that my little girl is now an adult-wow! So, I'm off to the store to pick up a few things, including a cake and we'll talk to you later! Aug 1
I swear, so far this vacation of mine has been more tiring than going to work!! I've been up early every single day, and tomorrow we leave so I won't be sleeping in then either! It's not as bad as it sounds (I'm just whining), I am getting a lot done and it feels pretty damm good to be so productive.
I'm definitely getting lots of exercise, running up and down these 4 flights of stairs millions of times per day has got to count for something dontcha think?! I had an episode of temorary insanity last night. I ate practically a whole bag of cheesies and a huge double decker ice cream cone...I have no idea why I did that, except I was feeling all emotional and I guess I fell back into my old coping pattern, not good and of course it only made me feel worse.
Today's a new day though.
I don't think I'll get a chance to update again before we leave, so this is it until I'm back home. Wish me luck, and I'll talk to you later!! July 31
Yesterday was exhausting. Physically because of the 6 hours we spent cleaning, scrubbing, reaching, bending, it was a great workout AND the house looks great! All that's left is a bit of laundry and changing the sheets on my bed. Emotionally because James dropped in. He came by to pick up some clothes basically, and to let me know he was okay. He says that part of him wants to come back home, but the bigger part wants to live on his own and be independent. I can't force him to stay here, it's just not possible....no matter how much I want to, I just can't. I don't know if anyone reading this has ever experienced what we're going through, if you have how did you handle it? I felt like an Oscar award nominee when I was talking to him, how calm and rational I was being when inside I was a mess of jumbled emotion and confusion. I wanted to scream and cry, to tell him what a horrible mess he was making of his life, and how his decisions were going to cause him nothing but pain, but I didn't. The lessons he's going to learn aren't going to be taught by my telling him so, it just doesn't work that way....I love him so much, and I'm so worried about him. He told me he'd call me last night and give me the number of where he's been staying, but he didn't.
I'm taking Michael over to my mother in law's so he can mow their lawn this morning. I hope I can somehow manage to just drop him off without having to spend much time with her. We used to be quite close, but for some reason after Wayne and I got back together our relationship changed. She never calls me and when we see one another we're cordial, but it's very strained. She was friendlier to me when Wayne and I were split up, it's almost as if she resents the fact that we got back together. Who knows? In any case, I better go get Michael up and get going. July 30
Another early morning!!! Today is cleaning day, I want this house spotless before we leave and today's the day! Jenn has the day off and has offered to help, and Michael's going to be busy in his room, and I do mean BUSY!!
It's finally not raining!! I'm not one for HOT weather, but this was getting ridiculous already with all the rain we've been getting...I'm looking forward to seeing the sun.
Yesterday was a bad diet day. I didn't eat anything at all until early evening when we had pizza....bad bad Cat!!! I went to Safeway later on though and got some fruit, so I will have a much better day today! July 29
Looks like Michael's getting a raise!! I'm up fairly early again, I wonder why I can't sleep in the way I used to? Must be getting old. It's for the best though, I have approximately 1,000,000 things to do before we leave on Thursday and even though it seems like I have plenty of time I know it's going to fly by.
I don't think I told you about the latest James sighting. Michael ran into him at the mall on Friday and James gave him $10 not to tell me and Wayne that he saw him. Thank God Michael's more honest than his brother, and I guess even James realized he wouldn't keep his mouth shut. He asked Micheal if I was worried, and told him to tell me not to worry, that he had a place to stay and he was okay. I just don't understand what he's doing, or why. It's so hard to believe I've lost him.
I better get my ass in gear here, I'll try and check back later.
P.S. Email would be nice!!!!
July 28
Michael, (my 14yr old son) suggested I try using Explorer instead of Netscape, so I am, and maybe just maybe it's going to allow me to update my journal....I'm keeping my fingers crossed!! If it does work, I may have to raise his allowance!!!
Today was productive. When I woke up and looked at my alarm clock I was happy to see it was 8:48, a decent sleep in and the first time I'd woken up all night. I came downstairs, started the kettle for tea, let Pepper out, made my cup, and sat down to plan my day. Imagine my surprise when I glanced over at the wall clock and saw it was 7:02!! Seems I'd mistaken the 6 for an 8 without my glasses!!! Oh well, I was out of the house by 8:00 and got an early start to my errands!!
I bought myself two new t-shirts to bring along on vacation. I had to try on tons of them before I came up with the right size!! It's amazing really, I used to wear a 4-5X in Pennington's, a 5X for sure at Addition-Elle (and even then sometimes they wouldn't fit), and could barely squeeze into an XL at Cotton Ginny Plus. Now I'm into a comfortable 2X everywhere and a L at CG Plus. I love seeing these kind of visible changes!!
OH, something else neat happened today. First here's the background: yesterday just before I left work a woman I work with who's been working at the Stadium on special assignment for the World Games for the last 6 weeks or so, popped into the office to grab something. She got waylaid talking to the boss, and I was in a rush to leave so we didn't get a chance to chat. Well, anyway, she phoned me today just to tell me how great I'm looking, and how obvious it is that I've lost weight!! Can you believe it?? I was just thrilled, what a super nice thing for her to do!!!
July 27
I lost 2 pounds this week!! It's like a pre-vacation present, hooray!! This pushes me over the 50 pounds lost milestone. I'd hoped to reach it a while ago, but I'm not complaining!!
This is it, my last day of work...finally!! I don't know how I'm going to update my journal from home since it just doesn't seem to want to let me but I'll try and figure something out.
We're going out at lunch to "A Taste of Edmonton" a festival in the park near our office where you can purchase a sampling of goodies offered by local restaurants. I have the menu here and am just trying to decide what I'm going to have....hmmm. I love green onion cakes, and I think I'd love some garlic shrimp...maybe some chicken curry, or seafood paella?? Decisions decisions!!! All I know for sure is that I'm going to have something really good and really bad!!!
Have a nice day! July 26
One more day until vacation!! I sound excited don't I? I'm not really, but I'm trying to convince myself. We have a plan in place for while we're gone,I'm not 100% comfortable with leaving but I can't let James ruin everyone's life just because he's hell bent on ruining his own. It's now been a week since he's been home. *sigh*
I've been eating a ton of fruit lately, I just can't get enough!! Peaches, nectarines, plums, cherries, watermelon, apricots, it's all soooo good!!! I wish we could get that kind of freshness and variety year round, but I'm sure enjoying it while it's here. We're bringing a cooler along with us in the van, and with all the fruit stands we'll hit I don't think I'll feel too deprived if Wayne and Michael are chowing down on chips and other junk food. I know I'm not going to stick to my plan perfectly while I'm away, but I'll still be taking the Xen so I'm going to have to be kind of careful, but I'm not going to let what I can or can't, or should or shouldn't eat be the focus of my vacation. I'm just going to make the best choices I can for most of the time, do a lot of walking and if I indulge once in awhile so be it.
July 23
I didn't weigh in on Friday, it would only have depressed me and I don't need any kind of setbacks. I snuck on the scale this morning and if I stay on track all week which I WILL...I should definitely show a loss at Friday's weigh in.
James is still putting us through the wringer, he was home to spend the night on Wednesday, and I drove him to work Thursday morning, and haven't seen or heard from him since. I went to the police and filed a missing person's report, that's all I can do, he's 16 and considered a runaway which I guess is what he is. I don't understand why he's decided that living on the street or with friends is better than being at home, but then he hasn't bothered to ask my opinion either. The worst part is being so helpless, there is nothing I can do to resolve this situation, he's doing as he wants and all I can do is pray that he's safe and hope to hear from him.
This is my last week at work until my vacation. I was looking so forward to being off and going away, but since this stuff with James came up, I don't know what I'm feeling. I told my Mom that I was thinking about staying home and not going away and she really feels like I need to get away and since we haven't heard anything from him we have no idea how long he'll be gone. She said that my putting my life on hold wasn't going to bring him home any sooner, or smarten him up any faster. She kind of knows what she's talking about, I ran away more than once when I was a teen and put her through this agony repeatedly. If anyone knows how I'm feeling I guess it's her. I'm still not convinced though, it just seems kind of heartless to be even considering it, but he certainly isn't being considerate towards us is he? As you can tell I have a wide range of emotions going on and feeling pissed off is certainly one of them. Wayne and I talked about it, and talked about it, and talked about it....and came up with a few ideas. I'll let you know what we decide.
July 19
Finally had a good night's sleep, short-but restful. I feel much better because of it. It's going to be a long day here at work. I agreed to come in early to work overtime before my 1-9 shift, and then actually ended up coming in at 7:30 due to the Klondike Days parade going on downtown this morning. If I didn't get to the parkade early I doubt I would have got in at all. We're right on the parade route, we could watch all the action out the window!
I'll be lucky if I don't end up with a gain this week. I am soooo bloated from my TOM and my water intake has been almost nil. I think I might just skip this week's weigh in, I just don't think it's going to be very accurate, and it might be better to wait a few days until some of this bloat goes away. July 18
How much can one person, one family, reasonably cope with? I wish I knew the answer to that, we're surviving so far, but I just don't feel like getting into anymore details right now. Sorry.
In case you're interested, I got my period AGAIN...this is like every couple of weeks, what is up with that?? If I weren't such a wuss I'd check it out with my doctor, and I suppose I really should, because you just never know.
I haven't been doing very good with my water consumption, (there's a shocker), but my eating has been right on track,and I'm still walking. I don't expect to see a loss this week though (due to the above mentioned event.)
One more week after this one and I'm finally on vacation. I need a break from this place! July 17
I woke up this morning at 6:15 to find my son home, finally, but preparing not only to leave again but to move out as well. What makes him think, at 16 years old that he has the necessary skills to move out? Hell, I'm twice his age and I feel overwhelmed most of the time. I feel like my heart is splitting in half, the pain is real and it hurts like a bitch. I can't force him to stay, I can't lock him in his room, or shackle him, or do or say anything that's going to make any difference, I just can't, there isn't anything I can do, I don't think it's been invented yet. So, he's gone, who knows for how long, and believe me, you can't be thinking anything worse than what and how I'm feeling. July 16
This was one of those James weekends...haven't had one for awhile and wish it had been longer. And now in fact it's the beginning of a James week....I can't handle this. James left at 4:30 Saturday afternoon to look at some swim trunks at the mall, guess what time he got home? 4:00 in the morning, and since he was scheduled to work at 7:00 he was back out of the house an hour and a half later. That's the last I've seen or heard of him, since 6:00 Sunday morning I have had no contact at all with my 16 year old son. It's not like he doesn't do these things every so often, but it is just the worst feeling in the world. I wish he'd at least call me.
July 13
Well I finally lost a pound. I was getting pretty desperate to see a new number. It's just so discouraging when nothing moves, especially when I was having trouble staying motivated, but today there it was 265...kind of like a reward for renewing my dedication!
Scary weather here today. It's been sooo hot all week and then today the black clouds rolled in along with torrential rain and hail. The first thing anyone thinks in such a situation is tornado, and sure enough one touched down in the southern part of the province. I haven't heard any details yet, hopefully the only damage will be to buildings and trees....not people.
July 11
So, in my house I always, always without fail go to bed later than Wayne, which is okay-generally, sometimes it pisses me off, but I digress. He usually falls asleep with the tv on and so it gives me enough light to get up the stairs and across the room without tripping and/or killing myself and I turn the tube off when I'm safe and snugly tucked in-at which point he'll wake up for awhile to chat (or whatever!) GOD, I can't seem to keep my train of thought here!! As I was saying, last night I'm creeping quietly up the stairs, the ac is humming, the tv is on, Wayne is snoring....then I decide to turn the ac up a bit, which flips the breaker-the tv goes off-I stub my toe-smash my finger against the wall-and (quietly) yell FUCK!!! Wayne of course wakes up and instead of inquiring about the extent of my injuries says rather snidely "Don't wake the whole house up please". Which sent me into a rage..ranting and raving, cursing and swearing. Down I went to restore the breaker and be mad. When I came back up after I'd calmed down he wisely didn't make a peep. This morning everything was back to normal, but I'm still a little perturbed, aren't I totally self centered??
I did however, have an excellent food day yesterday. I left early to pick my Mom and Dad up at the airport and stopped at Subway for a 6" veggie sub for lunch on the way which worked well to control any hunger pangs. I can see why people would do the Subway diet, they're really good and very filling!
I guess I should get back to work here, have a nice day everyone! July 10
I learned a valuable lesson last night. You know all the bitching I've been doing about how I'm struggling, and having a hard time staying motivated? Well, I actually had a good day yesterday, ate the way I should and didn't cheat at all. BUT it seems my laxness (is that a word?) caught up with me...in a BIG way!!! For those of you on X, or familiar with the nature of the side effects you'll know what I'm talking about. I could not control myself in the grocery store, and when I ran out of there in a panic it continued in the car. Luckily, (and God alone knows why or how), I don't think anyone was aware of what was happening and it was contained to my underwear. OMG, I just could NOT believe what was happening. It was utterly humiliating and terribly traumatic...I DO NOT want this to EVER happen again. I am cured. You will not read about my flip flopping back and forth over whether or not I can do this any more. I am determined anew, I will not give up-I am going to succeed!!!
In other news, I'm leaving at noon today to pick my Mom and Dad up from the airport. I can't believe they're back already. I thought I'd miss them more than I did, but obviously I enjoyed the break!! July 9
It's been awhile since I've made an entry, but I did try Saturday when I was at work and of course it wouldn't let me. I wish I could figure out a new way to keep this journal, but for now I guess I'm stuck with it for now. So, again I weighed in at 266. I'm really getting fed up with the lack of movement, but in all honesty I just haven't been working at it like I should be. I'm at the point now where in the past I would always give up, but I don't want that to happen this time. I somehow need to find my motivation again, quit eating those high fat bites of this and that, the handfuls of chips and start religiously planning and tracking what's going in my mouth. I need some encouragement too. I know that everyone around me is thinking that I've given up, I mean they've seen it happen enough times to know the signs. I don't want to fail, I just don't. July 4
I tried to update yesterday but stupid fucking Tripod ate it up....that PISSES me off to no end!!!
I can't even remember what all I had to say...but the long weekend was wonderful, very relaxing. I saw a friend of mine who's in town visiting her parents. We've known each other for almost 30 years, it's amazing. I missed seeing her when she was here last, (I thought it was last year, but actually it was 2 years ago) because I felt so self conscious about my weight and at that time I was probably 30 lb heavier than I am now. I don't know why I wasn't worried this year, I mean it's not like I'm at goal weight or anything, but I just wasn't worried at all. So, we got together and we had a great time. I'm hoping we'll see each other again before she goes back to Seattle.
Other than that the weekend was uneventful, we went for some drives, bbq'd, went for a few walks, and rented a couple of movies. It was a nice break.
In case you didn't notice, last Friday's weigh in was a waste of time. I neither gained nor lost. I was somewhat disappointed but maybe this week will be better.
June 28
It's 7:20 a.m. and I'm at work. Considering the fact I didn't leave here until almost 10:00 p.m. last night, is it any wonder I'm so tired? I am SOOOOO looking forward to the long weekend!!
Things are okay with Wayne and I. It was just one of those things that everyone goes through. I'm just hyper-sensitive due to all the problems we've had in the past, sometimes I still second guess my decisions and reactions. We have new things to worry about this week anyway. In one word, James. He quit his job, which had been hand picked for him and for which a lot of people went out of their way to get for him. Then he took his cheque to one of those cheque cashing places and blew the whole thing on his "friends". Some friends, I've never heard of any of them and this is the same kid who NEVER gets invited out anywhere with his peers, and RARELY gets any phone calls, etc. It pisses me off to no end that he is so susceptible to "do the wrong thing" just to be accepted. The problem is he doesn't know when to put on the brakes, and the next thing I know is the police will be calling-and I'm not even kidding, it's happened many times already. That's one reason I'm so tired, he didn't bother coming home until almost 1:00 a.m. Dealing with him is so frustrating.
Tomorrow is weigh in day....I've been very good this week with what I'm eating, but the only exercise I've gotten is the walk to and from the parkade, about 10 minutes each way. I'll be happy with another one pound loss, but I WANT more. I miss the days of big losses, but I'm happy as long as I continue losing.
Have a good day everyone, I'm hoping for a fast day!!!
June 24
I am so frustrated right now I could scream, and I'm
going to write about it here even though I'm not 100%
certain it's a good idea. But, it is MY journal and I
guess I can write whatever I please.
I've been looking forward to going on vacation
basically since coming back home from last summer's.
Now, I'm wondering why. I brought home some maps and
accomodation guides and was minding my own business
looking through them and dreaming of how beautiful the
island is and how much I love it there. Then Wayne
got up and started looking too. Before I know it he's
telling me all about this route that some guys from
work were talking about, and how great it was. I,
innocently, asked if we'd be going through this
certain area where the fruit grows, even though I know
that there will be millions of places to buy fruit,
not just that one particular area, I WAS JUST
WONDERING. He starts in by letting me know that
that's where all the tourists are and it will be
bumper to bumper traffic, and did I really want to
spend an entire day trapped in the van at 30 degrees
above going 30k? Uh, nooooo that's not what I want to
do at all, are we speaking the same language here????
Then when I suggest a way to go that would incorporate
the way he wanted to go, along with seeing some areas
that we'd talked about seeing last year he again tells
me about how much traffic there will be in an area
that isn't even on the route I was suggesting!! Now
I'm certain we're not speaking the same language. In
the first place we'd agreed to get to the island as
quickly as possible since that was our main
destination and there were lots of areas that we
wanted to get to. Now he says to me that didn't I
think 2 or 3 nights on the island would be enough? NO
I don't. If I had my way I'd go and spend my entire
vacation there and only leave when it was absolutely
necessary. And I thought he felt the same way.
Apparently not. Now all I can remember is the HUGE
fight we got into at the lineup for the ferry and how
we didn't even speak to each other during the whole
crossing and wondering if this trip is going to turn
out the same way.
He has made some significant changes, but sometimes I
wonder if it's enough. I also wonder if it would even
matter. I am just really angry right now.
June 23
So I go to my car this morning, and I have a flat tire!! No problem, I think, I'll just wake up James....oops, maybe not...he already left for work. Okay, Michael then....nope, he slept over at a friend's. Wayne's out of town until this afternoon, that leaves me. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world, but I figured it out!! I feel quite proud of myself.
Now for my weigh in. As you can see I lost another 1 pound! That's more than I expected, and less than I'd hoped for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, it's just that this is such a slow process and I can't help but feel impatient sometimes.
Tonight after work and Wayne is home we're going to take Pepper out for a nice looooooooong walk. The poor baby probably thinks he's an orphan by now, our schedules have been so messed up this week, first I'm not home, and then Wayne. Things should finally be back to normal now June 20
How can it be 6 days since I've last updated??? Wow, I can hardly believe it!! Anyway, since I last wrote I lost another pound for a total so far of 47 lbs gone FOREVER!!!!
This Friday's weigh in could be a non event due to my TOM and working long crazy hours, but we shall see.
Speaking of my time of month...and if you're thinking this falls into the too much information category you might want to quit reading. I don't think it's my imagination that my periods are a lot heavier since starting the X. I read the whole monograph looking for clues as to why this may be happening but still have no idea. I think I'm going to ask around on the Xen lists and find out if anyone else has experienced this phenomenon, and maybe call the 24hr support line. If all else fails I'll check with my doctor!!
Well, I'm beat and it's time to call it a day. I still don't think anyone is reading this, please, please, please can you let me know you're out there?!!!
Thanks!!
June 14
GOD DAMM IT!!! I just wrote a long entry and Tripod swallowed it up....that pisses me off big time.
Anyway, I'm back at work after being off sick for 2 days. I'm feeling almost human again. Good thing too since I was asked to work some over time tonight and you know I just can't say no to money!
Diet's going good, and I'm looking forward to a good loss tomorrow. I've been trying something new, at least new for me. Instead of weighing myself every time I pass the scale, which in a typical day looks something like: weigh when I get out of bed, weigh after going pee, weigh after my shower, weigh after blow drying hair, after getting dressed, when get home from work, when get undressed, before getting into bed....you know the drill, I'm now only going to weigh myself on Friday, my official weigh in day.
I'd ultimately like to only be weighing myself once monthly, I think it would be so cool to see a BIG loss by doing it that way, but I'm really not ready for such a drastic step yet!! June 11
Monday again! Didn't do much this weekend, I worked on Saturday and yesterday was pretty much taken up with laundry and housework. Wayne was in bed pretty much all weeekend with the flu, so we didn't go out on our date. He was still willing to go, but I really didn't think it was such a great idea since he could barely sit up!! Another time I guess.
I feel like I may be getting sick now, my throat is scratchy and my chest is all congested. Don't you just love people who are so willing to share their germs?!!
I'm feeling really motivated again, don't ask me what happened cuz I haven't a clue, and I'm not going to analyze it too much either!! June 8
I'm feeling much better today. Maybe I was overreacting, or maybe not. The important thing is we resolved it, and moved on. We have a date to go out for dinner and a movie on Saturday so I'm looking forward to that.
Weigh in was this morning, and I lost 1 pound, which is alright with me. If I can consistently lose 1-2 lbs/week I would be a very happy camper.
We started making plans for our summer vacation, it's not a big deal or anything, but it will be heaven to get away even for 10 days. I can hardly wait!! June 7
Yesterday was awful, not diet wise, just emotionally challenging. It had to do with an anniversary and someone forgetting and then an argument which left me feeling rather unappreciated. It's more or less blown over now, and he's trying to make it up to me, but I'm just not ready to lick my wounds and let them heal. I still want to have hurt feelings, isn't that strange? Why would I want to feel like a victim? I have some insights on that, but don't have time to write about it right now.
Today's shaping up to be an okay kind of day, except that I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm really going to try and get to sleep early tonight. I'm doing pretty good on my water intake, and my eating is under control, but I didn't walk at all yesterday-so I'll just have to go twice as long today right?!!
Someone in the office must have gone to the cafeteria....I can smell bacon and it's driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!! June 5
Well, I just wrote a long entry and my sever booted me out. Highly irritating.
Anyway, I'm back. When I was looking forward to the time off 6 days seemed like a lot, now it seems like nothing! I was busy running around the entire time; grad stuff, errands, groceries, doctors, not to mention laundry and house cleaning. I need a REAL vacation!!
Grad was wonderful, it really couldn't have been any nicer. Jenn was beautiful, just like a princess. I have never seen her looking so lovely and grown up. Just looking at her brought tears to my eyes. By the time I left the banquet and dance I just wanted to be alone and cry, and I've been very emotional ever since.
Friday was weigh in day and I lost 2 pounds. I've been feeling kind of discouraged and disappointed about my slow rate of losing lately and was considering what to do about it. Being as how I can not give up, I have to try harder. Even though I was feeling bummed out about not reaching my original goal of losing 75 pounds by the time I'm on vacation I have set a new goal of losing 50 pounds by the same time. Realistically I have to say that losing 50 pounds is not only a fabulous accomplishment, but also an achieveable one. I've always my goals a little too lofty and end up feeling badly when I don't meet them. I'm going to work on breaking those big goals down into littler ones and celebrating my successes.
I'm also working on getting my water in. June's goal for me is to drink a minimum of 2 litres each day. So far so good, but I'd better get drinking if I'm going to do it today!
That's about it, I hope you all have a nice day-and if there is anyone reading this why don't you drop me a line and let me know how you're doing!! May 29
This is my last entry until I get back to work on June 5. Jenn is stressing out big time, she had me up until almost 3 a.m. worrying about grad details. I hope it's as special as she's dreaming it will be....and more!
I have a bunch of stuff to myself, but come Friday I should get to relax and enjoy my days off. I really feel like I need a break and summer holidays are still a long way away.
I hope to report a good loss from Friday's weigh in when I get back, and I'll let you all know how the grad and my time off went........have a super week!! May 28
I guess I forgot to update on Thursday and then I was off on my long weekend, so it's been a while. I weighed in on Friday to find out I'd lost 1 pound. Now I'm not going to bitch too much about a loss BUT that's the one pound in two weeks!! I'm not very happy about it to say the very least. I know I can only blame myself for not drinking water like I should be, and eating those 3 slices of pizza, but for cryin' out loud, 1 pound in 2 weeks!!!!!!!!!! This week is going to be rough what with all of the grad activities, but I'm still expecting to see at least another pound gone at Friday's weigh in.
The weekend sure went by fast. It seemed like I had about a million things to do and didn't accomplish a whole heck of a lot. I was super busy and super stressed. The best parts were going out in the evenings for our drives and walks, I love my kids really I do, but I just need some time to do my own thing once in awhile, and those drives and walks, though not exciting really mean a lot to me. May 23
I am so tired this morning. I woke up 20 minutes before I had to leave the house and practically drove to work with my eyes closed!! I am going to have to be very vigilant today, I don't want to make poor choices just because I haven't had enough sleep. I brought a bagel for breakfast, and have a sandwich and yogurt for lunch.
I am committing here and now to either going for an hour's walk or aquafit tonite. If I say I'm going to do it I will, I just don't know yet which one I'll pick, probably the walk but you never know. I'd best get some work done here now, so I will talk to you later! May 22
It's been awhile since I've updated, I could have sworn I did Sunday, but I guess not. Anyway, not like I have anything much to write about, so you haven't really missed a whole heck of a lot!!
I weighed in on Friday at 272, exactly the same weight as last week. To say I was unimpressed would be accurate. I know these kinds of things happen, but I really wasn't expecting a plateau, (if that's what it is) so soon. More likely it was due to my not drinking as much water as I should, or that it was my TOM, or maybe even the position of the moon...LOL, whatever it was I'm definitely expecting a loss this Friday!
It's been so cold and miserable out here lately, but today is warm and sunny. I went out and walked in the sun for a while on my break, I wish I wasn't at work this evening, it would be wonderful to take a nice long walk, oh well. Overtime is good too!! I guess since they're paying me to work, I should do some....talk to you tomorrow. May 17
Good morning!! Well, last night we went for a really nice walk. We go down to the river valley outside of Fort Edmonton and walk along the trails. This time we decided to go as far in one direction as we could, so we walked along the winding, hilly path and ended up walking 4.5K. It was a beautiful night for walking, and it just felt good to be outside doing something. Wayne commented that he was very proud of me, and that there was no way I could have done that walk last year, but now I did it no problem! Hearing him say that made me feel really good. Too bad we can't say the same for Pepper........he began his little limp about halfway back and needed to be carried. Don't worry, his legs are fine, he does it for the attention!!
May 15
I'm hoping today goes better than yesterday. Nothing in particular, just one of those days where I felt completely out of sorts. I'm having some trouble with the bank which is stressing me out, but all in all nothing really major. At least I still got out for my walk last night, that was the best part of my day, definitely! I ate well yesterday, which is a good thing since I ran out of Xenical yesterday afternoon and can't get a refill until after work today-ACK!!
May 14
I'm back!! The weekend was fantastic, I had such a good time! I had a wonderful time with Jenn on Friday, and I love my nails!! Every time I look at my hands I'm just amazed that they belong to me. Yesterday, Mother's day was great. Michael made me the nicest birdhouse for my collection, Wayne bought me flowers, and made supper. In fact, I didnt' have to lift a finger all day long!!
We went out Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings to the river valley to walk with Pepper, so I got in some exercise, and given the amount of food I ate this weekend, it's a darn good thing! Although, I didn't really eat anything too too bad, even when I went out for lunch I was able to pretty much keep myself under control. Today, it's back to the grind, so I'd best get to work here, have a wonderful Monday everyone!! May 10
I'm off for 3 days after today, and I am soooo looking forward to them!! Tomorrow I'm going tanning, then to the greenhouses and pick out some flowers for my planters, and possibly a tomato plant. Then Jenn is taking me out for lunch and to get my nails done. Saturday I'm taking my Mom and Dad out for lunch, (the whole Mother's Day thing got completely out of control, but it seems to be ok now), then to a co-worker's for drinks and snacks, (potluck, I'm bringing fruit kebobs and dip). It's going to be busy, but fun!
I won't be able to update again until Monday, unless some miracle occurs that will allow me to access this site from my computer at home, but if not, I hope that everyone has a very good weekend. Happy Mother's Day!! May 8
I'm still having OR, and I'm not sure why. I guess it could still be from the weekend, but whatever it is I hope it's over soon! I'm a bit pissed at my brother. I called my Mom last night to see if she would like to go for lunch for Mother's Day, but to go on Friday instead since I have the day off, and she didn't say yes or no, just that apparently my brother had called and invited them out for brunch on Mother's Day. This irritates me for a couple of reasons. First off he's single and never has to make his plans according to anybody else, whereas I know the kids are going to want to spend the day with me, and I with them. Second he makes a LOT of money and has plenty to just spend on whatever he wants, whereas I could barely fit this proposed lunch into my budget but still wanted to do something, and third he could have called me to see if I wanted to be included in any plans. I know this sounds pretty petty but he did the exact same thing to me last year. Then I wrote him an email saying basically that I heard he'd invited them for brunch and was he still planning to do this. His reply was that he supposed if I wanted to come that perhaps we could change it into a bbq instead. I wrote him back saying that I was sorry but I wasn't available for dinner. Which again is petty, but for crying out loud I'm sick of being treated like the "poor relative."
Anyway, now I should call my Mom and see what's up, I don't want her to end up getting shafted just because I can't get along with my brother.
May 7
Today is James' birthday, he's 16. I can't believe my babies are now 17,16 and 14....when they say the time will fly by they aren't kidding!! I also can't believe that in the past 10 days I've spent almost $400 on skateboards and accessories, I should have my head examined!! I guess it technically wasn't really that much, that's how much the total cost was but I got half from Wayne....but still.....
Today should be a good eating day, I brought my cereal and a healthy lunch. We already went out for dinner last week for the boys, so maybe I'll just pick up McD's or something for them, Jenn will be at work, and Wayne and I can have chicken. Amazingly, I remembered to take something out of the freezer, a breast for me, and some wings for him.
Hope everyone has a great start to the week!!
May 6
I hate having to work on Sunday!! The only good thing is that it's too cold and windy out to do much of anything-except maybe sleep!!
I ate way too much this weekend. We had pizza on Friday, I ordered mine with veggies only and no cheese, but I still ate more than was necessary. Yesterday we bbq'd steak and again I ate portions that were just too much. I don't know what's got into me, but I can tell you that my stomach is not very happy with what I've put into it! OR showed up this morning big time....yuck, but I deserve it.
Today I'm back on track. I had mini wheats for breakfast, and I have a bun, soup and watermelon for lunch. Supper will most likely be chicken breast and salad. Not only is it better for my weight loss efforts to eat like this, but I just FEEL better when I'm eating better.
May 3
I lost 3 lbs this week!!
I'm quite happy about that. I changed my weigh in day to Thursday this week because I'm going to the doctor after work and know he's going to get me on the scales. I'm not sure how much different his weigh, so thought I'd have my own weigh in this morning so I don't get messed up.
Went for groceries last night, we ended up driving out to Spruce Grove to shop at the IGA. It's a really nice store, and not busy at all. I suppose the fact that right next door there's a new Superstore doesn't hurt either! Personally, I'd rather pay a little more and not have to fight crowds of people while I shop. It's kind of ironic that I have to leave the city, and drive to a small town in order to find a grocery store I like!! May 2
I did something really odd yesterday. After I got home from work I decided to go up to my room and watch Y&R, and ended up falling asleep. Wayne came and asked me if I was getting up for supper, I said no. Then he came and asked if I wanted to come for a walk with him and Pepper, again I said no. When he came back later on with a freshly bathed Pepper, I told him to go away and just let me sleep!! He did, and I slept right through until 5:30 this morning. I have never done that before!!
I forgot my lunch at home, but I've done okay. I bought a fat free cranberry lemon muffin for breakfast, and for lunch I got a Grandma Lee's chicken breast sandwich, lots of veggies and no mayo!
Apr 30
I'm feeling much better today, amazing what a few days off can do! For some reason I'm not able to update my journal page from home, so I had to wait until I was back at work today. The weekend went by so fast. Wayne, Pepper and I went for a loooonng walk on Saturday night, we went down to Fort Edmonton and the John Jantzen Nature Centre and watched the ducks for awhile, it was such a beautiful evening and you should have seen Pepper, he LOVES ducks!! Afterwards we just went home and watched a movie. Yesterday it was Michael's birthday so the kids and I went out for supper with my mom & dad. We went to Brewsters, there were a LOT of really good sounding things on the menu. I considered just having whatever I felt like, but in the end I ordered a tandoori chicken wrap and garden salad. How about that?!! It was delicious, and I was pretty pleased with myself. I did break down and have a sliver of birthday cake back at my parents, but since I had shown restraint earlier I'm okay with it. So, the work week begins, and James' teacher just called, apparently he didn't feel the need to show up at school this morning. I knew he should have come with me to catch the bus downtown, but he insisted he catch it from home, I relented, and now I know why he was so adamant. Oh well... time to grab a water refill, have a great day! Apr 26
I have an awful head cold, and I really didn't feel like coming to work, but I did. I didn't get to go to aquasize last night, I just felt too stuffed up, and I thought I'd better not. I did keep my tanning appointment this morning, it just feels soooo good, and it makes me feel good about myself. Isn't that silly? It's been a long time since I did something like that for myself for no other reason than because I wanted to. Part of my self improvement program I guess, treat yourself how you would like others to treat you!!
Speaking of treatment by others...In our house it's our routine that I make sure James is up, gets ready and out the door in time to catch his bus. I do this every day, even when I'm on shift to avoid any potential problems with him, as he relates better to me than anyone else in the family most of the time. It's always kind of irritated me that Wayne wouldn't try to mirror what he sees me doing with James so that he could do this sometimes. Well, this morning it finally happened, Wayne told me to shut off my alarm and stay in bed and rest. He'd get James up and out. After I recovered from the shock, I laid there listening for awhile, just to see how they were doing, they did great! I am so impressed, this is a big breakthrough for us. Apr 25
I think I'm finally getting back on track. Since before Easter I've really been struggling with my eating, I was still doing okay, but not really being as diligent as I should have been, and the scale is showing the results. I haven't gained, but I'm not losing at the rate I was when I was being completely "good". Instead of giving up like I would have in the past, I took some time to think about what I was doing and how it was going to affect my plans. I knew I had to get back to drinking that water, give up the diet Pepsi again, and cut out the little nibbles I've been sneaking here and there a few times a day. Who in the hell did I think I was sneaking them from anyway? The scale and mirror will see it no matter when I eat it!!
So, I'm happy to say that I've regained my momentum, have been drinking my water, and carefully planning what I eat. I'm really quite proud of myself for changing my behaviour and not just giving up.
Apr 24
I'm totally getting into this journal again, I knew I missed it, I just forgot how much I loved it!! Today I went to the tanning booth, then I took Pepper for a nice long walk, it's absolutely beautiful out-I heard the radio guy say is was +22, feels like summer to me! I'm working until 9:00 tonight, but tomorrow evening I'm going to go to aquafit. Maybe I'll even walk to the pool...hmmm!! Apr 23
Good morning!! I'm having a great day so far. To start off with, I'm wearing one of the new (smaller)tops I bought. This one is lime green,from Cotton Ginny. I don't think I've ever worn a colour this bright, it's kind of uplifting. Then one of the girls I work with gave me a thank you card for some help I'd given her,and tucked in the card were gift certificates for a local restaurant! Apr 22
I'm at work, blah!! I did get up in time to pack myself a good lunch of fruit, soup and a bagel. It's very nice out today, and so I think I'll walk outside today. During the winter I was sticking to the underground pedways, so I'm looking forward to checking out the great outdoors!!
Last night we bbq'd, the first one of spring, and later on went for a drive. We stopped in the river valley to take Pepper for a walk, and I had to encourage Wayne to walk farther!! He said he was cold, but I told him that if we walked a little faster he'd warm up...lol, how's that?!! |
